I Get Pathetic.

Sometimes, I really get uncontrollable and shitty. It gets difficult to hold control over myself and things get annoying. And trust me, that’s kind of worst thing that you know you’re doing bad but you can’t stop yourselves from doing such. I get too rough. Too difficult to handle. 

Consequently, I create a chaos out of nothing. Mood swings sucks! Sucks too much. Each and every part of the universe vex and I hurt people; my closed ones, my friends, my family and who not. I get into some another world where mind and heart completely gets out of context and over reacts. I’m filled up of negative energies so much and I need to eliminate it out. Though, I accept my badness openly, but things are not so easy. I try to be good. I put my efforts for not being so wicked. But at times, I feel my alter egos almost destroys me. I do things which I would never like to do. But unfortunately, I end up doing such things. And now it’s getting too much. I really need to change myself before I end up losing everything in my life. Deep inside, the pernicious ego factor is igniting fire in my heart and it would kill me. Kill me to the core. I have been a girl who has always accepted her the way she is and has never hidden her traits from world. If I am good, I am good. And If I am bad, I am bad. No lies.

There was a time in my life, I was happy being “bad”. I accepted myself being bad and in fact embraced it. Things happened in my life, people criticised me, even hated me. And I was happy. I didn’t like to talk to anybody. I was happy being myself. But not really! Was I happy? I ask myself. It hurts. Hurt deep inside. Being called bad and hated by everybody out there. 

Now I feel, it’s not good to be bad and pathetic. World is full of good people, genuine souls. I should learn from them. I should tranform my negativity into positivity and be good to everyone out there. I can’t bear my harmful nature anymore. I am tired of hating myself. I want to be a good human, love my own self and be proud of what I am.

This post is out of exasperation. Sorry guys.

You all are lovely souls. 😘

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19 thoughts on “I Get Pathetic.

  1. Welcome to the world !

    Now that you know the other side of story, mind you being good sucks even further. You neither feel happy about being good nor does it help you in any way. All you will find is a tough path and rough patches. You will be broken down into pieces and made to walk ahead a path down the lane of broken glasses. You will have to walk the valley of molten lava and cross the frozen mountain. In the end of the journey, you will find you reached a dead end and when you see back all you see is a disastrous you working your way up to a dead end. Do you seek it ?

    Do you even know what you would exaclty do when you say you would be good or when you were bad ?

    Good and bad are relative terms.

    You just need to find solace.

    Anyway, the point is

    Being you is rare.
    Appreciating the you is rarest.
    Changing self for improvement is good but it should come from within and not from any external drive.

    Stay Blissful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You spoke my heart out, Bhanu.
      Life gets rough at some point. But everyone has to pass that phase. Good and bad are relative terms. At last, one has to find solace. True that. โ˜บ You’re a great thinker.
      Thank you. โ˜บ

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dont be so hard on yourself. We come from so many sides of thought. You are who you are. Bad thoughts and good thoughts right at the moment. Looking back anything could have been or should have been. What did others do to help change it? Just my thoughts…every soul beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. i would be lying if i said that i have never felt the same way…………you are thinking about positivity and positive change, trust me you are half way there………self pride and a little ego is never bad……….and people always criticize……no matter who you are or what you do……..so i would say, if you are doing something that harms others then reconsider it…….but if not, to hell with them. Do your thing and be proud.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ohh I totally understand that shreya… I’ve been through the same and perhaps I am still…. For me, I become a complete recluse. well the realization of good hasn’t hit me yet… But I am happy to know about your positive outlook at the end.

    Liked by 2 people

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