Sitting on bed my back against the bed frame, I feel something loathsome. I know there it is; the brownish creeping creature that usually scares me like anything, giving tremors in my heart. This time, I sit with more comfort and ease. Not anymore. Now, I can feel it crawling on the wall behind me, maybe an inch close to my hair falling on my back. But, I don’t fear anymore. The lizard.
My mind bombarded by
Loaded with ambiguities.
My heart being precarious,
A constant wave of emotions.
My soul wanders in quest for
Entangled in my conflicting
state of heart and mind.
How do I deal with such
I wonder if this world is a
My mind questions my own
Do you suffer from Time anxiety? The fear of wasting time. I have this trait in myself, I plan my things and task deliberately and ensure to accomplish it in sufficient time. Yesterday only, I came to realize this thing in myself, I do fear wasting time. It sucks me. I can’t boast that I am productive all the day. But yes, I try my best to use my time in a meaningful and fruitful way. Though yes, at times, I end up in wasting some time. And I guess it’s totally normal. But yes, the problem being, I curse myself for losing that “some” time.
Yesterday, I had lots of work and I determined myself to do it. But due to some reasons, all of a sudden, I got another work to do and it took me a lot of time. And then I got exhausted and couldn’t do something else in a better way. And I was annoyed by myself. The main problem is that the thing bothered me till I slept at night. Even if I have nothing to do, I try to keep myself engaged in reading or writing or something else. I try to make sure I’m doing something than sitting idle. Of course, life is too short to waste it. Whenever I read a book, I’m always in desire of more and more. No matter I do something well, it is less for me. It may sound good to you, but it’s not that good as it seems.
Discussing about the concern of being productive, yes that’s good- it helps is utilizing time the best way as possible. But once it takes the form of fear and anxiety, it’s bad. I illustrate my example only- whatever good I may do, I end up in blaming myself for not doing best, that I could have done better with things and time. The anxiety make you stick to the fact about ruminating about one thing only, if you created the value or not. And it’s not a sign of positivity. We should be content about what we do. If we enjoyed something, it ain’t a waste of time. You can’t always make value by getting from things. At times, it’s about what you feel inner side. I resolute myself to do things the way I have been, be content and find peace and happiness in it. After all, whatever I do, I am putting my best efforts to do so it’s not about the value, it’s about peace I get in it.
Are you also anxious about the flow of time and wasting it, if it happens?
Sometimes, I fear. I fear too much of everything. People, Feelings, Dreams and many things. No, I am not weak. It’s just a bad phase. And I know I am strong enough to overcome this killing depression. I still smile.
I am a kind of girl who stays happy, and then at the very next moment, turn despondent. A bit complicated to understand. I am generally so conscious of letting out myself, but today I am not afraid of peoples’ criticism or judgements. I want to write about myself.
People. I can’t trust people easily. At times, if I like someone, it becomes difficult for me to have faith and I keep warning myself. I don’t like people much. I am a kind of introvert and I have always enjoyed my own company. It may be due to the instances I have experienced in my past. It’s perplexing to understand me at times, even I can’t analyze myself. I am hard as adamant and tender as bosom. Sometimes, a feel haunts me that a day will come when there’ll be no one standing by my side due to my obstinate and egoistic behavior. I have a couple of friends who love me a lot. They have always seen my darkest and evil sides and yet they make me feel so special every time I feel low.
Feelings. I have been always so emotionally sensitive. I could easily be overjoyed. On the other hand, I get easily angry or devastating. My feelings dominate my mind badly. I feel, I need to gain control over my emotional state, be more rational. I should learn to manage feelings. Having feelings is natural but sometimes, being touchy over little things gets frustrating.
Dreams. I’m scared. Of what I have dreamt. I am so enthusiastic about my dreams. But, at times, it really gets so difficult for us to take the responsibility of our words and to follow them with consistency. At night, the mind gets numb while ruminating around those heart pricking thoughts and bear their burden. I see my dreams shattered. The circumstances lead me to fear. I just search for a hope, a hope for revival. But as quoted,
Don’t ever let someone take your head out of the clouds. Dream big and dream passionately.
I ask myself, why to get afraid and of whom? Great things always take time. All they require efforts and patience. Eventually, good days will come. After all, difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations. I am going to make it happen. I have to set my soul into fire and never quit.